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[personal profile] skye_hakari
 That's right! It's that time where I post little snippets of my original writing for all my lovely LJ friends to read and comment on ^.^/
Now, after this, I'm making all entries of the stories themselves Private (in order to protect my stories). One can never be too cautious with her babies! So, if you're interested in reading a specific story as I post more, just say so in a comment and I'll add you to the list of people I'll grant access to read more. Also, I highly appreciate comments and feedback both negative and positive. Especially detailed comments: quote a favorite line, say which part was your favorite. "I love this!" is all fine and dandy, but there's not much I can do with that to become better and improve ^^' So please help me out ^.^

Without further ado, here's all three teasers! Enjoy ^.^

p.s. the formatting for the teasers decided to go a bit screwy, but I fixed them as best I can ^^'

p.s.s. Here's a link to my other teaser I've posted so far for my short story 'Wedding Dress'. Please look at it too ^.^

May I Have This Dance?

This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
Not with a bang but a whimper

-T.S. Eliot, The Hollow Men

Dozens of eyes trained their resigned gazes on the destruction of their lives. Various degrees of grief echoed through the group, from righteous fury to soul-breaking agony. Only one soul stood there as if merely watching a rabbit-shaped cloud passed over the horizon.

Damien felt a strong hand rest itself on his shoulder, wrenching a sigh from his apathetic lips. No words were said between the two as the rest went on like they'd never seen this day coming.

Damien pitied them. So many others had their lives shattered, did they all really believe themselves safe?
A soft melody echoed from the long-forgotten speakers. After a few seconds, the attempt of their senior prom on the mountainside seemed even more frivolous. Why'd they even try?

The firm hand slid from his shoulder down his back as a calm breath brushed against Damien's ear.

“May I have this dance?”

Damien allowed Darik to rotate him away from the sight across the horizon.; An outstretched hand and a gentle smile met Damien's gaze, only now bringing the events into Damien's reality.

A single tear trekked down Damien's cheek as he took Darik's hand and let his best friend sway them back and forth against the backdrop of one, lonely mushroom cloud in the direction they'd once called home.
Perfect Imagination
            Jayson eased open his bedroom door and took off his jacket. Throwing the clothing onto a steadily-growing pile, he flipped his lights on and booted up his computer.
            Three months
            The first window to appear displayed his music playlist titled 'Skyler'. The first song began playing and the teen slid into his inner thoughts.
            Would be nine months today...oh God, nine months...
            It's funny how life never seems to let the good ones win. Regardless of Jayson himself, he could care less about himself, but how the hell did Skyler deserve to have her candle snuffed out? To have her dreams left as nothing more than smoke to dissipate into the air?
            Her beautiful eyes...never see them again, how can I never see her smile again? That breath-taking, carefree beautiful...
            Tears welled up in his eyes again, soon forcibly suppressed. He couldn't start crying, not again. If he started again, he knew he'd never stop.
            We promised each other years...not even one, not one damn year!
            The agony tore through his heart, shredding the few pieces left alive. Every time the though crippled him. Every day he'd go about as normal, yet nothing remained the same.
            Wake up, get dressed, Skyler's gone. Eat breakfast, give Mom a kiss, will never kiss Skyler again. Meet up with Raymond, go play some DD, Skyler won't ever laugh at the onlookers again. Visit Jessica, play with Nathan, she'll never give me a hug jumping off those stairs again. Come home, go to bed, never again fall asleep with her on the phone.
            The days and months stretched out empty before him, a sea without waves. The signal fires of friends and family shone dimly on the horizon, but the lighthouse was gone and Jayson was forever lost at sea.
            Jayson turned his head to gaze at his window. Images of the dream came crashing down on him, swirling within his mind as grains of illusion diluting the fabric of his reality.
            A knock on the window, the return of those beautiful eyes and that breath-taking smile...Jayson could hardly bear the dream when it woke him up nearly every night now. The pure hope of her coming back to his arms torturing the last unshattered pieces of his soul.
            Finally, Jayson pushed away the images to the far reaches of his mind and swung over his bed to open the window. Probably just Raymond wanting to check up on him, though he'd never used the window before...
            Bright green eyes that shone with moonlight met his as two feet set themselves on his bedroom floor. Dark purple bangs framed pure black hair that showed the slightest hint of natural honey blonde at the roots. A cautious smile graced her lips, as if she held a secret she wasn't sure he'd believe.
            “I'm back.”
Stained-Glass Butterfly

Shadows mimicked the hypnotic dance of the torch flames as a single hooded figure hustled through the hallway traveled by so very few. Deep emerald reflected back into the flames, as if his eyes glowed with his immense power. The cacophony of footsteps reverberated through the winding tunnels until the man's destination was reached and a pair of solid and ornate doors stood between himself and his ultimate goal. One knock, that's all it would take, one knock in exchange for the chance to glimpse them once again. Only one, simple knock--
 “State your business.”
 Liquid gold pierced into his soul with the battering ram of a centuries old existence. How was it, after so long seeing those eyes, that they only now instilled the fear in them as they did in other? Oh, it was only one simple knock...and now the door's open. Now it's an entire conversation, only one conversation for the chance of telling them it'll be alright. The chance to assure they were doing the right thing--

“Jacob, I said state your business!”

Breathe, only one conversation. For those who seek the Truth, they shall find. What they shall find, that is the true question.

“Emilie, please.” The man pulled back his hood to reveal a tousled mo of rustic auburn hair and the flames danced with the raw power in his eyes. “You know my business.”

“No, I cannot say I do. All I do know is, that for every second you waste my time, there's one more second we are all in danger. State. Your. Business.”

“Emilie, I only wish to see them once more. When I returned from my mission Reg told me they'd already been taken into the chamber, so I nearly ran in hopes of--”

“Jacob, listen to me.”

“Listen. To. Me.”

 Jacob steeled himself as the feral eyes narrowed, soon fading into the love and care they'd always held for so long at the sight of his expression. Such an odd combination in eyes of liquid gold and skin pale against flowing silky locks, yet so familiar and comforting after all these years.

“I'm allowing them to prepare themselves. Something like this requires them to be at peace with themselves, if only for a moment, and I'm doing the best I can with the circumstances.”

Jacob's expression fell into one of horrid despair, drowning in the poorly suppressed emotions born from the weight of such loss.

“I wasn't even there, Emilie. I failed my people, I cannot fail my daughters as well.”

“Jacob, you failed no one. I will never share your people's sense of family on such a scale, but I will tell you this: We have all lost. The Darkness struck, and we have all lost.”


“We. Have. All. Lost.”

Liquid gold met pulsing emerald, and Jacob sucked his breath in to make his hardest decision to date: leave his daughters in the hands of another's power with no way back.

“Tell me what to do Emilie. I've lost everything except them and I must still be the leader for everyone else. Please, tell me how I can most help them from this side of the door.”

Emilie faltered, glancing over her shoulder to the eight cloaked figures meditating within the circumference of her circle.

“Prepare everything for them. I cannot have them remember Alicia, but they will know you as their father. Find peace in yourself, and be strong for them when they emerge. None of us can ask any more from you.”

Nodding slowly, feeling time screech to a standstill around him, Jacob stepped back and waited for Emilie to close the ominous doors. At the last moment, those eyes of liquid gold emerged one last time and the lips of crimson red spoke softly.

“They're my family too, Jacob. Unlike the rest of my race, I do have a sense of comraderie. They're my family too, and we have all lost. I shall make them safe in their own minds, you make them safe in the torrents of the world. Xenakis watch you, Jacob.”

“And Ianna watch you. Thank you, Emilie. I could never mean it enough.”

Gold met green for one last moment, the folds of pale ivory enclosed the liquid gold behind their shield.

“I know.”

And the doors closed, sealing their occupants within and Jacob's heart with them.

Please oh please, let us be making the right choice...


on 2011-07-11 08:30 am (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile]
Perfect Imagination is really interesting. I adore the line: "It's funny how life never seems to let the good ones win." <3! It was the perfect teaser given how much it makes you want to find out the whole story.

on 2011-07-11 04:46 pm (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile]
I adore the line: "It's funny how life never seems to let the good ones win." <3!

Thank you ^.^ I have a little soft spot for those lines too :3
And I'm glad you liked Perfect Imagination! It's my newest story, started about a week ago, and it's really taken off. I'm hoping (*crosses fingers*) to have the first part written and posted on LJ by the 20th.....*must practice deadlines* ^^'


on 2011-07-11 10:50 pm (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile]

Well. May I tell you what I think? Keeping in mind that it's no way professional, personal, or even fact what I'm saying, be it good or bad?

I think they, all three, have a good base. Both for plot expansion and character expansion, but I also think that how far you can take it is up to your imagination--if you stop it at a certain point, the plot can be classified as tradtitional for each type of story, but if you take it further it could lead to some surprising results that will show off your originality and your creativity. It depends on the type of 'rules' you were having for each story (seeing as all three seem to either take place in the future, an alternate reality, or in a fantasy universe) and it also depends on how far you're going to run with it, the otehr characters that will come in, et cetera. I think that you're going to need some plot twists to make the story really stand out, but going for a more predictable route--especially with the last one--wouldn't necessarily be a bad thing.

I found the descriptions...plentiful, which is good, but a little on the repetitive side and a little extravagant. What I find works best is to give details about characters' appearances gradually over time, while giving more of the grouped together, intricate-detailed descriptions to settings. It really all depends on author personal preferance and style, but books read better if detail is dispersed and not given all the time throughout the text. However, you do have a certain flare for finding good words, and also a large vocabulary. Dispensing detail only when necessary would really emphasise that, and that's always a perk you might want to consider.

Your rhythm and your punctuation are pretty good, I think, but everybody knows that as your writing style changes, evolves and improves, that sound or flow you want is going to change, so looking over it when you're finished is probably the best idea.

I can't really say more on the plot or characters without summaries, so I'm going to end it here. Hopefully this was the kind of thing you were looking for?


Please don't hate me for my comments!

on 2012-01-10 07:24 pm (UTC)
claire_chan: A (A)
Posted by [personal profile] claire_chan
It seems like your grasp of English is fine, which is my first concern when reading Internet friends' fiction! (I've not read the Dutch because I didn't feel my grasp of Dutch was adequate enough.)

The first: so this is a relationship between two men? I myself always find it difficult to write of a homosexual relationship, even if that violist INSISTED on hitting on that office guy.
(Darien brings to mind Sailor Moon.)

The second: do a lot of men really worry so much over girls? Most of those I've met are more concerned over work.

The third: I don't feel like I know enough of what's going on to comment in particular! It seems like there is a far deeper plot about which I am ignorant.


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