It seems like your grasp of English is fine, which is my first concern when reading Internet friends' fiction! (I've not read the Dutch because I didn't feel my grasp of Dutch was adequate enough.)
The first: so this is a relationship between two men? I myself always find it difficult to write of a homosexual relationship, even if that violist INSISTED on hitting on that office guy. (Darien brings to mind Sailor Moon.)
The second: do a lot of men really worry so much over girls? Most of those I've met are more concerned over work.
The third: I don't feel like I know enough of what's going on to comment in particular! It seems like there is a far deeper plot about which I am ignorant.
Please don't hate me for my comments!
The first: so this is a relationship between two men? I myself always find it difficult to write of a homosexual relationship, even if that violist INSISTED on hitting on that office guy.
(Darien brings to mind Sailor Moon.)
The second: do a lot of men really worry so much over girls? Most of those I've met are more concerned over work.
The third: I don't feel like I know enough of what's going on to comment in particular! It seems like there is a far deeper plot about which I am ignorant.